After years of dealing with pain of not being a mother, I didn't expect that one to crop back up again. It isn't that I don't know how to deal with it, or that I don't know where to go for help with it. It's more like the feeling of, "Hey, wait. I thought I got off of this train at an earlier station. How did I get back on it?" Somehow losing my mom from this earth brought that old hurt back again.
Life surprises us sometimes...
Mother's Day was a hard day for me too. I lost my mom three days before MD and wow, the emotional roller-coaster was intense. I'm a mom of two now, but I went through 16 years of childlessness before our oldest was born. Most of the time, I was fine with it as I have health issues that made me very high risk and all of my docs advised forgoing pregnancy. Well, we put it in God's hands and He saw me through two risky pregnancies, and I am doing fine and my kids are healthy. I know that's not the case for everyone, but before I had my kids, I dealt with years of judgement and endless questions on why I don't have kids. (I even had a couple sarcastic comments from my pastor.) My husband didn't deal with much in that regard, it's always the woman that gets that line of questioning when people just *need* to know why. It was infuriating at times, because really, it's only between the married couple and God. Anyway, like I said most of the time, I was fine with it, but Mother's Day was hard at times as a childless woman, as I wasn't part of that "club" for many years. I sat out a lot of Sunday MD celebrations at church for that reason. As a mom now, it's nice to be recognized because for the other 364 days, it's mostly a thankless job. (But of course, I love doing it.) What I liked doing was treating my mom to something like flowers or a Starbucks gift card or something else I knew she'd like, and spending some time with her. This Mother's Day was hard because I wasn't able to do that and I won't again on this side of Heaven, but how could I begrudge her the joy of sitting at Jesus' feet, with no more pain or sickenss? Our separation is only temporary. Anyway, I just felt let to comment when I read your post because I just wanted you to know that there is someone out there that understands. I'm praying God restores your peace about not having children, and I pray He comforts you in your grief.
ReplyDeleteMaggie, I have prayed for you and your brother as you had mentioned on Facebook you were going through this hard situation of the end of your mother's life. I had wondered how that was going. I'm so glad that you can know she is with Jesus, but I understand the pain of missing her.
DeleteThank you so much for praying for me. Most of the time these days the thing about not having children is something I don't think about or that I can avoid, but it does crop up sometimes unexpectedly. Strangely, I think I may have some sadness about not getting to be a grandmother too as I'm getting older now and more of my friends are enjoying being grandparents. Thank you for sharing your experience and for understanding.
Thanks for sharing your heart in this. I can see how missing your mother at this time would bring up other hurts as well. Praying for you as you take each day with what the Lord has given you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jennifer, for your prayers and for your kindness. Grief is a strange journey sometimes. We all experience it differently and it's hard to anticipate how it will be. One day at a time...and trying to remember that the Lord knows what is needed for each day before I even get there! Praise His name.
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